merchant mariner families

...a highly unusual, sometimes maddening,
but mostly comical way of life.

February 21, 2013

things that would make my life easier...

Please note that no where on this list will you find
'If my merchant mariner got a land job.'
Having Beady home 365 days a year would be a hindrance, in no way would my life be easier.  
His mother concurs. 

12.  Garanimals clothing for adults so I don't have to worry about putting an outfit together.  Remember, Tiger pants go with Tiger shirt?  They can forgo Hippo & Elephant for the grown up version.

11.  A dryer with an "I'm gonna make these jeans/shirt/panties a little looser for you" setting.

10.  The option to purchase vodka, tequila, or rum gum.  Sometimes I feel like chewing my liquor.  Rum Gum sounds more marketable.

9. A vacuum cleaner for people over 5'9".

8.  Lucky Charms drops the cereal facade and sticks solely to marshmallow production.

7.  Dorito flavored vitamins.

6.  A car horn with three to five settings (I haven't worked out exactly what each of them will do, but there's definitely room for customization) that alerts drivers around me as to how I'm feeling about their driving decisions.  Some will be pre-recorded messages from me, mostly obscenities, and at least one has an option to speak live.      

5.  20 pairs of panties that have some sort of micro-chip in them with the recorded voice of Liam Neeson, and every morning when I put them on, he'd say things like, "Bit roomy, losin' weight?" or "Nice bottom, Lass!"  I figure if Hallmark can make greeting cards like that, why can't we use the technology for something a little more practical?

 4.  A doctor's office where I get conscious sedation and my annual pap-smear and teeth cleaning are performed at the same time. 

3.  A wife.

2.  A valium salt-lick installation in my living room.  Actually, I don't know why I always say valium when I prefer xanax, so a xanax salt-lick installation in my living room.  And maybe a Ring-Pop version for when I leave the house?

1.  Two days out of every month Victoria's Secret bans teenage girls (and their teenage boyfriends) from the store so I, and other like-minded ladies, can shop for bras and panties in peace.

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